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Random LJ article generator

(For when you can’t think what to write.)

You'll need one of these:

1. I am ill.
2. I am tired.
3. A member of my family is ill. (Roll on the family illness sub-table.)
4. I hate my job. This is because… (roll on the ‘I hate my job sub-table’)
5. LJ is better than facebook because... (roll on the facebook sub-table)
6. Random web article is funny. (Roll on the random website sub-table.)
7. I haven’t done as much work as I should have done today. This is because… (roll on the work failure sub-table)
8. Meme dug up from a couple of years ago.
9. Please tell me how wonderful I am.
10. My pet is great. (Roll on the pets sub-table.)
11. I am a great writer / artist / photographer / miniature painter. Look at examples of my work and tell me how wonderful I am.
12. Random piece of retro machinery is cool. Roll on the retro machinery sub-table.
13. Travelling from A to B took longer than I expected or wanted it to. Roll on the locations sub-table for A and B.
14. Doctor Who isn’t as good as it used to be because… (roll on the Terrance Dicks sub-table)
15. RPG write-up.
16. The weather is crap. Roll on the weather sub-table.
17. My (roll on IT sub-table) is crap.
18. Holiday write-up
19. Express an opinion on book / television programme / film. (Roll on the fandom response sub-table)
20. Kids today are... (roll on the Kids today subtable)
21. Ethical dilemma
22. Happy birthday to (random LJ user)
23. Something in Russian
24. Sports report (roll on Sport sub-table)
25. I'm thinking of spending lots of money on a new car.
26. Review of old geek magazine or fanzine.
27. X is great, where X is a place rolled at random on the wonderful places sub-table
28. Football Manager write-up
29. The government is stupid.
30. You're Hired! (www.youarehiredplymouth.co.uk)

Oh and don't forget to roll on the  Random Capital Letters Sub-Table. This is Very Important.

Family illness sub-table (roll 1d6)
1. Child
2. Spouse
3. Parent
4. Grandparent
5. Sibling
6. Obscure relative

I hate my job sub-table (roll d1000)
1-900 ...my boss is unreasonable
900- 999 ...the company I work for is crap
1000 ...I’m not very good at my job

facebook sub-table
1. ...facebook is too popular, so it can’t possibly be as good as LJ since only hard-core geeks like me are on LJ
2. ...you have to give your real name and if I did that I'm scared that people at work would see that I'm friends with hard-core geeks like you lot.
3. ...you have to give your real name and if I did that I'm scared that the axe murderer I went out with twenty years ago will look me up when he gets out from Broadmoor.
4. ...everyone at work is on it and I hate my job. Roll on the I hate my job sub-table.
5. ...you have to put up a photo of yourself and I'm really, really ugly.
6. ...my major interests involve sexually deviant fan-fiction based on underage characters in children's literature and facebook doesn't really like that kind of thing.

Random website sub-table (roll 1d4)
1. BBC News
2. The Guardian
3. The Times
4. Someone else’s blog.

Work failure sub-table (roll 1d6)
1. I spent too much time on LiveJournal
2. I was given less important but more urgent work to do
3. My work is too boring for me to be able to motivate myself to actually do it
4. I couldn’t face doing work because I hate my job (roll on the I hate my job sub-table)
5. I was ill, so couldn’t concentrate
6. A family member was ill and I either had to look after it or was worried about it (roll on the family illness sub-table)

Pets sub-table (Roll 1d10)
1. Dog
2. Two dogs
3. Cat
4. Two cats
5. Six cats
6. Expensive pedigree cat or dog from a breeder, none of that rescue rubbish.
7. Rabbits
8. Snake
9. Tarantula
10. Husband

Retro-machinery sub-table (roll 1d6)
1. 8-bit computer
2. Kitchen utensil
3. Aircraft designed to kill millions of Russians.
4. WW2 fighter plane
5. Old sports car
6. Steam locomotive

Locations sub-table (roll 1d8)
1. Home
2. Work
3. Work, but another office
4. Holiday destination
5. Friend’s house
6. Geek convention location
7. The Spinward Marches
8. The Mountains of Madness

Terrance Dicks sub-table (roll 1d6)
1. Matt Smith / David Tennant / Christopher Ecclestone is too young
2. Matt Smith / David Tennant / Christopher Ecclestone is too pretty
3. Matt Smith / David Tennant / Christopher Ecclestone is too ugly
4. Doctor Who is now popular, so it can’t possibly be as good as it was when only hard-core geeks like me watched it
5. It’s so derivative. Anyone who has been in SF fandom as long as I have would recognise that ‘Blink’ is a blatant rip-off of an unpublished short story by an obscure Polish author that I’ve heard of because I know everything about SF.
6. Russell T. Davies and Steven Moffat are talentless hacks, and nowhere near as good as the writers from Who’s golden age. Signed - T.Dicks.

Weather sub-table (roll 1d6)
1. Too hot
2. Too cold
3. Too wet
4. Too dry
5. Not enough snow
6. Too much snow

IT sub-table (roll 1d6)
1. Desktop PC
2. Windows
3. Mac
4. Mobile
5. Printer
6. Laptop PC or netbook

Fandom response sub-table (roll 1d4)
1. "Yes, I thought that too."
2. "You're utterly, utterly wrong. Regardless of the fact that you were just expressing your own opinion, you are wrong. Utterly, utterly wrong. If you had been in SF fandom for as long as I have, you would see how wrong you are, you stupid little girl."
4. "Actually there have been elements in what you say expressed elsewhere, by, for example (random LJ user). This was also a theme explored in (random issue of obscure fanzine from 1973) which I happen to own."

Kids today subtable (roll 1d4)
1. Illiterate
2. Chavs
3. Illiterate chavs
4. Actually quite decent if you give them the chance

Sport sub-table (roll 1d8)
1-6. Cricket
7. Football
8. American football

Wonderful places sub-table (roll 1d20)
1-17. Wrexham
18. Cornwall
19. The Isle of Wight
20. Orkney

Random Capital Letters Table
Roll 1d20 and add that many capital letters to the start of words that don’t really need them, because you’ve read ‘1066 And All That’.




( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 22nd, 2009 09:55 pm (UTC)
*splorf* I like. :-D

Mine would probably look rather different. For a start, you missed out Music subtable (roll 1D20):

1-12 Yay Charles.
13-15 Yay Bach/Handel/Monteverdi/Vivaldi/Palestrina/Telemann/&c, &c.
16-19 Yay singing.
20 Aaargh, chart music.
Jul. 22nd, 2009 10:23 pm (UTC)
I must admit, I did think about adding something along those lines (Roll on the Tenor sub-table...)
Jul. 22nd, 2009 10:21 pm (UTC)
*snort* :)
Jul. 22nd, 2009 10:23 pm (UTC)
Facebook 6
Fandom 3

LOL! You are a naughty but funny man :D
Jul. 23rd, 2009 07:05 am (UTC)
Ooh, harsh. :-D

In my case, though, the Random Capital Letter thing is totally derived from Winnie the Pooh.

You missed out "create poll designed to discover your Friends' list attitude to something supremely trivial." Having created polls myself on preferred way of cutting sandwiches, on whether people likc yogurt pots and many other such things, I'd be the first to admit that this habit needs a bit of satirising. :-)
Jul. 23rd, 2009 07:13 am (UTC)
Jul. 23rd, 2009 07:26 am (UTC)
(rolls) 19! (rolls) 4!

Actually something very similar to this appeared in an early edition of Miruvor (which I do own, but at the other house, so I can't check it right now, but that won't stop me blathering on from memory).
Jul. 23rd, 2009 08:27 am (UTC)
Yeah I've seen that (and at least sub-consciously influenced by it).

Actually, there are two. In the later one, the 'stueytunes is late sub-table' is replaced by a 'philmophlegm is late sub-table'.
Jul. 23rd, 2009 07:32 am (UTC)
What about an LJ comments generator?
Jul. 23rd, 2009 08:28 am (UTC)
1-19: *Hugs*
20: Roll on Fandom response sub-table
Jul. 23rd, 2009 08:58 pm (UTC)

I'd put a sub-table for 29. Roll 1D20:
without a flock on your post, I couldn't possibly explain....

My Hamster was Killed by a Copy of 1066 falling on it!!!
I am Traumatised!!!!
Jul. 24th, 2009 11:19 am (UTC)
I think this is probably the best LJ post I have ever read! You weren't eating fondue when you wrote it were you? :-D
Jul. 25th, 2009 11:14 am (UTC)
Or is he secretly channelling ladyofastolat?
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )