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How Future Historians Will Remember 2013

January

The new Archbishop of Canterbury starts his new job. Declaring himself to be a moderniser, but also a moderate, he announces that he will wear the dress but not the traditional holy lingerie.

Britain’s national debt is now 1,000% of GDP. Ed Balls claims that “Plan A is not working” and that “Keynes tells us that the way to get out of a recession is to borrow even more and run a massive, unaffordable structural deficit”.

As millions of British taxpayers complete their tax returns, Richard Murphy appears before a parliamentary select committee to argue that “paying tax is clear evidence of tax avoidance”.

Professor Brian Cox is the new host of The Sky at Night. Patrick Moore’s classic theme tune is replaced by D*Ream’s ‘Things Can only Get Better’. The programme moves away from serious discussion of the latest issues in astronomy. Instead, a badly-dressed bloke with crap hair and creepy lips appears every month to say how different astronomical objects are “amairzin”.

The government announces that following public consultation, the route of the HS2 high speed railway from London to Birmingham has been altered. The new route is from London to London. The Transport Secretary boasts of how fast the train will be “now that it doesn’t need to go to the dirty provinces”.

A minor celebrity says something on twitter.

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philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 08:43 pm (UTC)
February

Louise Mensch announces her new career as a professional Lords of Midnight player.

An internal BBC report criticises the BBC for not telling us how great the BBC is often enough.

Britain’s national debt is now 2,000% of GDP. Ed Balls claims that “Plan A is not working” and that “Keynes tells us that the way to get out of a recession is to borrow even more and run a massive, unaffordable structural deficit”.

The Oakland Raiders issue a press release stating that Al Davis isn’t dead, he just stopped moving for a while. In a heated press conference, Davis uses a powerpoint presentation to announce that he is once again taking over the running of the franchise.

The Washington Redskins win the Super Bowl, defeating the Denver Broncos 92-0. The Redskins rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III passes for 673 yards and nine touchdown passes, runs for 214 yards and three more touchdowns, returns a kickoff 109 yards for another touchdown and (following injuries to two Redskins cornerbacks) intercepts three Peyton Manning passes. ESPN analyst Rob Parker complains again that Griffin “isn’t really black”.

In the Academy Awards, Denzel Washington wins the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of a drunken pilot in ‘Flight’. ESPN analyst Rob Parker complains that Washington “isn’t really black”.

In a press release, Richard Murphy argues that “breathing is clear evidence of tax avoidance”.

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan, believing that “a bit of conflict is good for a team” names Tim Tebow as his starting quarterback and hires Richard Dawkins as his offensive coordinator.

Thousands of twitter users retweet something said by a minor celebrity on twitter.
philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 08:46 pm (UTC)
March

To escape France’s 75% income tax rate for high earners, the Eiffel Tower moves to Belgium.

Britain’s national debt is now 4,000% of GDP. Ed Balls claims that “Plan A is not working” and that “Keynes tells us that the way to get out of a recession is to borrow even more and run a massive, unaffordable structural deficit”. In the budget, George Osborne admits that “Government borrowing is completely out of control. What was I thinking trying to reduce the budget deficit slowly? Instead of trying to slowly reduce the budget deficit, I should have been massively increasing it all along! I’m sure that’s what Keynes would have wanted, although of course I only studied Modern History...” In unrelated news, Energy Secretary Ed Davey announces that the future energy needs of the country will be met “not by unreliable wind, not by dangerous nuclear, not by fracking but by harnessing the rotational energy recently discovered in the grave of a particular twentieth century English economist.”

Needing to raise money to avoid total bankruptcy, Greece agrees to a sponsorship deal with a consortium of beverage companies. Faliraki is renamed ‘WKD Resort’.

In a press release, Richard Murphy argues that “not breathing is clear evidence of tax avoidance” and accuses many dead celebrities of tax avoidance.

Peter Jackson announces plans to make Farmer Giles of Ham into a trilogy of films.

Barack Obama is beatified by the Roman Catholic Church. ESPN analyst Rob Parker complains that Obama “isn’t really black”.

Tens of thousands of twitter users pretend to be offended by something tweeted by a minor celebrity on twitter.
philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 08:54 pm (UTC)
April

Nick Clegg stakes his political career on campaigning for a change in the colour of general election ballot papers. His party is divided on the details. Clegg himself favours “a delicate mauve”, while deputy leader Simon Hughes feels that more people might vote LibDem if the ballot paper colour scheme was black text on black paper.

With the third pick of the NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select a tachyon, a hypothetical particle that is faster than the speed of light. When it is pointed out that the tachyon did not have a good collegiate career, Al Davis replies that “You can’t coach speed”.

Needing to raise money to avoid total bankruptcy, Greece agrees to sell most of the Aegean Islands to Germany.

Power failures plunge America into darkness. ESPN analyst Rob Parker complains that the night sky “isn’t really black”.

Alexander the Meerkat is revealed to be UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

At a minor science fiction convention in Milton Keynes, an overweight nerd almost accidentally touches a female convention goer. The resulting web forum storm brings the internet grinding to a halt.

Hundreds of thousands of people are offended that tens of thousands of people could be offended by something said by a minor celebrity on twitter.
philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 09:08 pm (UTC)
May

In an historic referendum, the island of Lundy votes for independence from Westminster. SNP leader Alex Salmond promises that “Scotland will be next”.

Alan Rusbridger, the editor of ‘The Guardian’, a minority interest ‘news’paper published as a vanity product by Autotrader magazine, announces that the newspaper will be online-only from next month.

In the ballot paper colour referendum, the voters vote two to one (literally – the turnout is three voters) in favour of the status quo.

Chelsea win the Champions League, the Premier League and the FA Cup. Manager Rafa Benitez also brings peace to the Middle East, discovers a cure for cancer, solves the worldwide economic crisis (except in Greece and Britain, which are beyond help), reforms The Jam and receives plaudits for his King Lear at the RSC.

Peter Jackson announces plans to make Smith of Wootton Major into a trilogy of films.

Shadow Education Spokesman Stephen Twigg attacks elitism in British higher education. “The system is clearly biased in favour of clever students and against the gormless. Clever people are clever enough to get on in life without university, it’s the thickies that need more time at school.”
philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 09:14 pm (UTC)
June

Alan Rusbridger admits that most of the Guardian’s content for the last few years was entirely fictional. “Most of our readers were so uncritical, that as long as every article said something derogatory about the ‘tories’ or the ‘bankers’, they believed it. I’m amazed that we got away with it for so long. Our writers held competitions to see how absurd they could be in a single article and always credited these deliberately absurd articles to two fictional journalists with the obviously made up names of ‘George Monbiot’ and ‘Polly Toynbee’.”

In an historic referendum, Cornwall votes for independence from Westminster. SNP leader Alex Salmond promises that “Scotland will be next”.

Fleetwood Mac headline the Glastonbury Festival. Due to illness, Stevie Nicks is unable to perform, and is replaced by Sam Fox, thus reuniting Fox with Mick Fleetwood for the first time since the 1989 Brit Awards.

London is officially renamed ‘Londonistan’.

Roman Abramovich sacks Rafa Benitez.

Paul Weller leaves The Jam. He is replaced by Sir Bradley Wiggins.

Frank Field MP realises that he’s been in the wrong political party all these years. “I was young. It was easy to be confused.”
philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 09:17 pm (UTC)
July

Boris Johnson resigns as Mayor of Londonistan, to concentrate on the London Olympics.

To escape France’s 75% income tax rate for high earners, the Tour de France moves to Monaco.

In an historic referendum, Wales votes for independence from Westminster. SNP leader Alex Salmond promises that “Scotland will be next”.

Needing to raise money to avoid total bankruptcy, Greece agrees to sell its entire coastline as timeshares to Britain and Germany.

President Obama announces his intention to legalise Kinder Surprise eggs in the USA.

Peter Jackson announces plans to make Roverandom into a trilogy of films.

President Obama sells Guantanomo Bay to ITV.
philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 09:22 pm (UTC)
August

Boris Johnson, disappointed that there is no London Olympics in 2013, announces that he will enter American politics and campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination.

In an historic referendum, Northern Ireland votes for independence from Westminster. SNP leader Alex Salmond promises that “Scotland will be next”.

The Respect Party announces that its candidate in the Londonistan Mayoral Election will be Abu Hamza. A party source reveals to journalists that after George Galloway, the party wishes to appear more moderate to the electorate.

The Duchess of Cambridge gives birth to octuplets. In a delivery room mix-up, nobody remembers which baby emerged first. This mistake will lead, decades later, to the Great War of the British Succession.

Professor Stephen Hawking admits that he can speak perfectly normally and that his electronic voice is a joke that he had to carry on with or he “would just have looked stupid”.

ITV’s autumn schedule is headlined by a new reality series “I’m a Really Obnoxious Celebrity Who Deserves to be Tortured”, broadcast live from Guantanamo Bay and presented by Ant and Dec.
philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 09:25 pm (UTC)
September

Abu Hamza becomes Mayor of London.

Boris Johnson announces his retirement from American politics. He will now devote his time to attempting to win Strictly Come Dancing.

In an historic referendum, England votes for independence from Westminster. SNP leader Alex Salmond promises that “Scotland will be next”.

The Eiffel Tower moves to London.

Needing to raise money to avoid total bankruptcy, Greece agrees to pimp out its entire population.

Peter Jackson announces plans to turn Mr Bliss into a trilogy of films.

The International Olympic Commission announces that as well as the Olympics and the Paralympics and the Special Olympics, there will now be a Gingerlympics, restricted to athletes with ginger hair.

Responding to the runaway ratings success of ITV’s “I’m a Really Obnoxious Celebrity Who Deserves to be Tortured”, the BBC’s new Saturday evening lineup is “The Graham Norton Show”, followed by the new series of “QI”, hosted by Stephen Fry, the new series of “Never Mind the Buzzcocks” hosted by Simon Amstell and the science fiction series “Torchwood”.

An internal BBC report criticises the BBC for not featuring enough gay people on the BBC.
philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 09:26 pm (UTC)
October

Boris Johnson is voted out of Strictly Come Dancing after losing a dance-off with the Eiffel Tower.

The capital city of England is moved from Londonistan to Chipping Norton. This is widely seen as due to the influence of Chipping Norton’s most effective politician, Jeremy Clarkson.

British historians discover a letter from George Washington to King George III wherein Washington apologises for “things getting a little out of hand” and asks if “things can’t just go back to the way they were”.

Apple fanboys queue for days to be first in line for the launch of the new iNothing, an empty white box.

Peter Jackson announces plans to make a film trilogy out of the bits he didn’t use in his Lord of the Rings films. He casts Will Ferrell as Tom Bombadil and Eddie Murphy as the Ghan-buri-ghan.

Cornwall declares war on England. England doesn’t notice.

Edinburgh wins the race to host the first ever Gingerlympics.

Sally Bercow wins the first series of “I’m a Really Obnoxious Celebrity Who Deserves to be Tortured”, narrowly beating Dr Harold Shipman.
philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 09:31 pm (UTC)
November

Jeremy Clarkson’s Top Gear party wins a landslide victory in the English general election. Despite being the only other party standing in the election, Nick Clegg’s Liberal Democratic Party finishes third.

In the United Kingdom (i.e. Scotland plus Londonistan) general election, the SNP wins a clear victory. Alex Salmond becomes British Prime Minister. However, in the Scottish Assembly elections, the SNP is unable to achieve an overall majority and Mr Salmond is forced to admit that he doesn’t have the mandate to push for independence from his own government.

In the US, a loner armed with a Trident Submarine kills thirty schoolchildren. The National Rifle Association calls for all teachers to be trained in and armed with intercontinental nuclear ballistic missiles.

Property prices in Londonistan crash to the point where mere millionaires can now realistically dream of one day being able to save up enough to put down a deposit on a one bedroom bedsit in Peckham.

Samsung launches the Galaxy Void, a rival to Apple’s iNothing. A protracted legal case begins where both Apple and Samsung claim to have patented the absence of matter.

Peter Jackson announces plans to make ‘On Fairy Stories’ into a trilogy of films.

The Doctor Who 50th Anniversary special features many of the previous incarnations of the Doctor, including a gruff sergeant, a scared priest, a scarecrow, a news quiz host, a man with his hand up a cow’s bottom, a fat one, and a man with a sleigh pulled by rabbits.
philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 09:33 pm (UTC)
December

It is revealed that the US Trident killer once played a game of Angry Birds on his smartphone. Keith Vaz calls for all computer games to be banned.

Chancellor of the Exchequer Richard Hammond presents his first budget to the House of Commons in Chipping Norton Town Hall. The budget’s most controversial measure is the introduction of tax rebates for owners of Porsche 911s.

Peter Jackson announces plans to make The Book of Lost Tales into a series of twenty films, starring Will Smith as Eriol and Brian Blessed as Tinfang Warble.

Jessica Ennis’s abdomen wins the Nobel Peace Prize.

The last native resident of Londonistan, a woman remembered only as ‘Dolly’ dies on New Year’s Eve 2013.
wellinghall
Jan. 1st, 2013 07:42 am (UTC)
The government announces that following public consultation, the route of the HS2 high speed railway from London to Birmingham has been altered. The new route is from London to London. The Transport Secretary boasts of how fast the train will be “now that it doesn’t need to go to the dirty provinces”.

There was a Two Ronnies sketch some many years ago, with Ronnie Barker setting out the route for the line to the Channel Tunnel. It was going to go through Liverpool, Manchester, Corby etc, and finally enter London via the East End, thus avoiding all areas of naturally beautiful middle class homes.
chainmailmaiden
Jan. 1st, 2013 07:38 pm (UTC)
:-) That's great, now I don't need to bother reading any news for the whole year!
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