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How Future Historians Will Remember 2013

January

The new Archbishop of Canterbury starts his new job. Declaring himself to be a moderniser, but also a moderate, he announces that he will wear the dress but not the traditional holy lingerie.

Britain’s national debt is now 1,000% of GDP. Ed Balls claims that “Plan A is not working” and that “Keynes tells us that the way to get out of a recession is to borrow even more and run a massive, unaffordable structural deficit”.

As millions of British taxpayers complete their tax returns, Richard Murphy appears before a parliamentary select committee to argue that “paying tax is clear evidence of tax avoidance”.

Professor Brian Cox is the new host of The Sky at Night. Patrick Moore’s classic theme tune is replaced by D*Ream’s ‘Things Can only Get Better’. The programme moves away from serious discussion of the latest issues in astronomy. Instead, a badly-dressed bloke with crap hair and creepy lips appears every month to say how different astronomical objects are “amairzin”.

The government announces that following public consultation, the route of the HS2 high speed railway from London to Birmingham has been altered. The new route is from London to London. The Transport Secretary boasts of how fast the train will be “now that it doesn’t need to go to the dirty provinces”.

A minor celebrity says something on twitter.

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philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 09:25 pm (UTC)
September

Abu Hamza becomes Mayor of London.

Boris Johnson announces his retirement from American politics. He will now devote his time to attempting to win Strictly Come Dancing.

In an historic referendum, England votes for independence from Westminster. SNP leader Alex Salmond promises that “Scotland will be next”.

The Eiffel Tower moves to London.

Needing to raise money to avoid total bankruptcy, Greece agrees to pimp out its entire population.

Peter Jackson announces plans to turn Mr Bliss into a trilogy of films.

The International Olympic Commission announces that as well as the Olympics and the Paralympics and the Special Olympics, there will now be a Gingerlympics, restricted to athletes with ginger hair.

Responding to the runaway ratings success of ITV’s “I’m a Really Obnoxious Celebrity Who Deserves to be Tortured”, the BBC’s new Saturday evening lineup is “The Graham Norton Show”, followed by the new series of “QI”, hosted by Stephen Fry, the new series of “Never Mind the Buzzcocks” hosted by Simon Amstell and the science fiction series “Torchwood”.

An internal BBC report criticises the BBC for not featuring enough gay people on the BBC.