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How Future Historians Will Remember 2013

January

The new Archbishop of Canterbury starts his new job. Declaring himself to be a moderniser, but also a moderate, he announces that he will wear the dress but not the traditional holy lingerie.

Britain’s national debt is now 1,000% of GDP. Ed Balls claims that “Plan A is not working” and that “Keynes tells us that the way to get out of a recession is to borrow even more and run a massive, unaffordable structural deficit”.

As millions of British taxpayers complete their tax returns, Richard Murphy appears before a parliamentary select committee to argue that “paying tax is clear evidence of tax avoidance”.

Professor Brian Cox is the new host of The Sky at Night. Patrick Moore’s classic theme tune is replaced by D*Ream’s ‘Things Can only Get Better’. The programme moves away from serious discussion of the latest issues in astronomy. Instead, a badly-dressed bloke with crap hair and creepy lips appears every month to say how different astronomical objects are “amairzin”.

The government announces that following public consultation, the route of the HS2 high speed railway from London to Birmingham has been altered. The new route is from London to London. The Transport Secretary boasts of how fast the train will be “now that it doesn’t need to go to the dirty provinces”.

A minor celebrity says something on twitter.

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philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 09:31 pm (UTC)
November

Jeremy Clarkson’s Top Gear party wins a landslide victory in the English general election. Despite being the only other party standing in the election, Nick Clegg’s Liberal Democratic Party finishes third.

In the United Kingdom (i.e. Scotland plus Londonistan) general election, the SNP wins a clear victory. Alex Salmond becomes British Prime Minister. However, in the Scottish Assembly elections, the SNP is unable to achieve an overall majority and Mr Salmond is forced to admit that he doesn’t have the mandate to push for independence from his own government.

In the US, a loner armed with a Trident Submarine kills thirty schoolchildren. The National Rifle Association calls for all teachers to be trained in and armed with intercontinental nuclear ballistic missiles.

Property prices in Londonistan crash to the point where mere millionaires can now realistically dream of one day being able to save up enough to put down a deposit on a one bedroom bedsit in Peckham.

Samsung launches the Galaxy Void, a rival to Apple’s iNothing. A protracted legal case begins where both Apple and Samsung claim to have patented the absence of matter.

Peter Jackson announces plans to make ‘On Fairy Stories’ into a trilogy of films.

The Doctor Who 50th Anniversary special features many of the previous incarnations of the Doctor, including a gruff sergeant, a scared priest, a scarecrow, a news quiz host, a man with his hand up a cow’s bottom, a fat one, and a man with a sleigh pulled by rabbits.