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How Future Historians Will Remember 2013

January

The new Archbishop of Canterbury starts his new job. Declaring himself to be a moderniser, but also a moderate, he announces that he will wear the dress but not the traditional holy lingerie.

Britain’s national debt is now 1,000% of GDP. Ed Balls claims that “Plan A is not working” and that “Keynes tells us that the way to get out of a recession is to borrow even more and run a massive, unaffordable structural deficit”.

As millions of British taxpayers complete their tax returns, Richard Murphy appears before a parliamentary select committee to argue that “paying tax is clear evidence of tax avoidance”.

Professor Brian Cox is the new host of The Sky at Night. Patrick Moore’s classic theme tune is replaced by D*Ream’s ‘Things Can only Get Better’. The programme moves away from serious discussion of the latest issues in astronomy. Instead, a badly-dressed bloke with crap hair and creepy lips appears every month to say how different astronomical objects are “amairzin”.

The government announces that following public consultation, the route of the HS2 high speed railway from London to Birmingham has been altered. The new route is from London to London. The Transport Secretary boasts of how fast the train will be “now that it doesn’t need to go to the dirty provinces”.

A minor celebrity says something on twitter.

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philmophlegm
Dec. 31st, 2012 09:33 pm (UTC)
December

It is revealed that the US Trident killer once played a game of Angry Birds on his smartphone. Keith Vaz calls for all computer games to be banned.

Chancellor of the Exchequer Richard Hammond presents his first budget to the House of Commons in Chipping Norton Town Hall. The budget’s most controversial measure is the introduction of tax rebates for owners of Porsche 911s.

Peter Jackson announces plans to make The Book of Lost Tales into a series of twenty films, starring Will Smith as Eriol and Brian Blessed as Tinfang Warble.

Jessica Ennis’s abdomen wins the Nobel Peace Prize.

The last native resident of Londonistan, a woman remembered only as ‘Dolly’ dies on New Year’s Eve 2013.